by MICHAEL SHERNOFF, MSW
Published in The Journal of Gay & Lesbian Social Services, V.2(2), 1995.
This article presents a classification system for understanding male couples in terms of how they bond and maintain a relationship. The various roles sex plays in the development and maintenance of a relationship are also examined, as is the important influence of AIDS. In order to be helpful to male couples, social workers need to be familiar with the diversity of relationship patterns in this group.
In recent years clinical social workers have increasingly been consulted by many nontraditional families who find themselves in crisis. One category of nontraditional family who find themselves in need of professional intervention is the male couple. This article is an attempt to familiarize therapists with male couples and provide some insight into how clinical work with this population may be different from work with heterosexual couples.
There are many potential varieties and structures of committed relationships between two men that affects their romantic relationship and emotional bonding. After describing one way of categorizing male couples in regard to sexual exclusivity/nonexclusivity this article will discuss some of the ways this issue affects their lives and, if they are in couples counseling, their treatment. The varieties of relationship styles discussed appear to be a valid way of categorizing one aspect of how male couples live. The important influence of AIDS on couples' development and ways of functioning will be incorporated throughout.
This article is based primarily on clinical work with over one hundred male couples in New York City over the past ten years. These couples appear to fall into one of the following categories:
Some male couples are sexually exclusive throughout the course of their relationships (Blumstein & Schwartz, 1983; Stulberg & Smith, 1988). Others have explicitly nonexclusive relationships right from the first period of their dating and continue in this way. Most couples appear to move among the above categories at different points in their relationship. For example a couple may or may not start off as sexually exclusive and evolve into an explicitly nonexclusive couple. At some point during the course of their relationship they may become primarily sexually exclusive, or even nonsexual lovers.
Mendola (1980), Blumstein & Schwartz (1983), Silverstein (1981), and McWhirter & Mattison (1984), agree that the majority of male couples they surveyed report that sexual nonexclusivity does not threaten the very existence of the male couple the way it often does when "infidelities" are discovered in a heterosexual marriage or a cohabitating heterosexual relationship.
Are male couples so very different from heterosexual or lesbian couples? Or does the acknowledgement of sexual nonexclusivity by some male couples simply mean that these couples are more honest with themselves and each other than other types of couples? Heterosexual marriages generally follow the convention of assumed overt sexual exclusivity, yet both Hunt (1974) and Hyde (1982) have documented that covert nonmonogamy occurs in as many as fifty percent of these relationships.
Before exploring further the various categories of male couples, a brief discussion of terminology is useful. Usually the term "fidelity" is synonomous with sexual exclusivity. For many male couples who are not sexually exclusive, "fidelity" means the emotional primacy of the relationship between the two men. I have often found that articulating this concept during couples treatment is useful. Thus, "infidelities" occur when one member of the couple breaks one of the rules the couple has set up regarding how they will conduct themselves sexually with another person. For instance some couples have agreed that sex with other people is permitted while affairs are not. If sex outside the relationship is agreed upon, then perhaps the rule is that it cannot happen in their home. Or, if permitted in the home, it is not to happen in their bedroom. Some couples have decided that neither partner will have anal intercourse with anyone else. For the sexually exclusive male couple, "infidelity" may indeed mean having sex with anyone other than each other (Marcus, 1988).
Sexual exclusivity in male couples occurs in one of two fashions. Most often, a couple reports that they have been sexually exclusive for certain periods of their relationship, at times lasting for years. Other couples report that they have remained "sexually exclusive" throughout their relationship. Not surprisingly, members of these couples describe different levels of satisfaction with the relationship in general and with their sex lives in particular at different points in time.
McWhirter and Mattison (1984) describe a high level of sexual activity that is directly related to the newness of being in love as characteristic of male couples in the early stage of their relationship. This is the stage of their relationships when male couples are most likely to be sexually exclusive.
There has been a lot of discussion in both the mainstream and gay media that, in response to AIDS, gay men are becoming monogamous in unprecedented numbers. There is insufficient research at the present time to support this. Since the onset of the current health crisis, some couples who had not been sexually exclusive now report becoming so. Some new couples are sexually exclusive who say that they might not have been so before AIDS. Yet, there are also new, as well as pre-existing couples, who are not sexually exclusive, despite the current health crisis. Some of the couples in each of these categories are practicing safer sex and others are engaging in high risk sexual activities. It is misleading and potentially life-threatening to confuse sexual exclusivity with preventing the spread of AIDS when the partners do not know their own or each other's HIV antibody status, or when one or both are HIV antibody positive.
The following case illustrates how one couple decided to be sexually exclusive prior to AIDS and independent of the current health crisis.
Darryl and Jason met in 1981 while both were graduate students at Yale. They slept together the night of their first date, but later admitted to having done so primarily out of a sense that that was what they were supposed to do, since they were so turned on to each other. Jason desperately wanted a relationship, and began to refer to Darryl as his boyfriend after three months of dating. About this time, they began to discuss the idea of being sexually exclusive. They felt that, since they wanted to explore a serious relationship, it would be most comfortatble for them to be sexually exclusive. This decision was re-enforced by the fact that all the male couples they knew at the time who were not sexually exclusive were having a lot of problems.
Within six months of meeting, they were self-identifying as a couple. At various times over the past seven years, they have discussed the idea of not remaining sexually exclusive, but have rejected the idea. They have sex regularly with each other and Jason recently said, "After all these years, there is still no one I'd rather go to bed with than Darryl."
There are two subgroups of sexually exclusive male couples. The first is couples where one or both partners admit that, in general, their sex life lacks excitement and variety. Some of the men in these couples report that sex was never terribly important to them. The emotional and interpersonal rewards they experience as a result of being involved with their lover offset any lack of intense passionate sexual involvment between them. These couples tend not to be very sexually active with each other and report that they do not go outside the relationship for sexual excitement or variety.
The other subgroup consists of couples who report that the quality of and satisfaction derived from their sexual interactions have increased over the years. These couples usually report that the growing intensity and intimacy between themselves and their lovers bring heightened levels of closeness and sexual enjoyment. Members of these couples point out that the improved quality of their sexuality and relationships has not been a linear progression. Each member recalls periods of extreme interpersonal strife and low levels of satisfaction in all areas of the relationship. Yet neither partner sought outside sexual contacts during these stressful periods of their relationships. Almost all these men admitted to contemplating either having sex outside their relationship or having an affair. But for a variety of motivations, they did not act on those feelings.
A number of these couples have recently come into counseling with questions pertaining to taking the HIV antibody test. Some of these couples have begun to practice safer sex but other couples do not feel the imperative to change what they do sexually, since they are currently sexually exclusive and have been for several years. The clinical issues have usually concerned feelings and fears about the consequences of a positive HIV antibody test result for one or both men. I have observed that denial about the possibility that one or both might have been exposed to HIV is sometimes high, even when one or both had engaged in high risk behaviors in the years preceding their becoming a sexually exclusive couple. This denial about the need to practice safer sex is high among many couples who do not know their HIV antibody status.
These couples do not openly discuss with each other any sexual activity they have outside the relationship. Extra-relationship sexual encounters remain clandestine and do not generally consist of any ongoing extra-relationship affairs. The members of these kinds of relationships report that they at times have sex outside the relationship and assume that their lover does also, but neither one wants to know about any possible liasons. What I have heard most often is that when one member of the couple is out of town on business or visiting family, he will meet someone for a one time encounter. The member of the couple who stays home may also look for a one night sexual encounter or make a date with a former sex partner while his lover is away. As long as the sexual contacts outside the primary relationship are conducted discreetly, and there is mutual satisfaction with the quality of intimacy and sex between the partners, the sexual contacts outside the primary relationships are not generally a source of conflict. In situations where this arrangement is comfortable for both men, it is because they are each comfortable with the certainty that any outside sexual activity is not a threat to the security of their relationship.
Yet what often emerges during the course of treatment is that both members of the couple are not equally comfortable about the issue of sexual nonexclusivity.
When these couples have come for counseling, issues pertaining to safer sex have often been presented. Again, these couples may or may not be having safer sex with each other. One partner usually needs reassurances that any extracurricular sexual activity is completely safe. One couple recently sought counseling because of a strong difference of opinion regarding beginning to practice safer sex. The lover who was resistent to practicing safer sex needed reassurances that his partner's desire to adopt safer sex practices did not mean that he was sick with an HIV-related illness.
These couples remain sexually active within their relationship with each other and report a high level of sexual satisfaction. They occasionally go out together seeking a third person with whom to have sex. Some of these couples have had or are currently having an ongoing affair with a third person to bring some sexual variety into their lives. These menages may continue for years, and if so, cannot be considered merely sexual relationships. The third person is seen as a good friend, and someone very special to both members of the primary relationship. This is the man with whom both of them are having an affair. In these cases, there is generally the rule that neither member of the couple sees the third person alone, to minimize jealousy or favoritism.
Bert and Ted have been lovers for 14 years. They both feel more in love with the other now than at any time in their relationship. Both feel that their sex life has steadily improved over the years, and is more exciting and satisfying now than ever before. They were sexually nonexclusive for only a short time, which ended as the AIDS crisis began to escalate. Both have tested negative to HIV antibodies. With the onset of AIDS, they have decided to discontinue any independent extra-relationship sexual activity.
Over two years ago, while out dancing, they ran into Michael, a man with whom Ted had occasionally had sex. All three went home together that night. They have been spending Saturday nights together dancing and going home for exciting "threesomes" once or twice a month since. They recently celebrated their second anniversary as a menage.
Often, these couples started off as sexually exclusive but after a number of years, one or both felt that some added sexual variety would enhance the relationship. It is usually not easy for two gay men who love each other and find each other attractive to admit to themselves, each other, or a third party, that their sex life is less than they wish it would be. When these couples have come into treatment, it is usually complaining of diminished sexual satisfaction and/or frequency.
Expressions like "sexual doldrums" are often used. One or both partners has fantasies about, but is usually reluctant to discuss an interest in diverse sexual behaviors.
When the discussion is about inviting another individual or couple into their sex life, feelings of insecurity usually arise. Counseling initially explores all the reasons each partner has for wanting to open up the relationship. It is crucial for both men to express all their fears and concerns to help them determine if this decsion is in the best interest of their relationship. Eventually mutually acceptable rules must be drawn up. Couples who, for whatever reason, feel that they could not handle either one having sex outside the relationship separately may feel that a mutually satisfying and acceptable solution is found in menages or sex with another couple as long as both partners are present and included.
These couples still have some sexual contact with each other. The frequency and the forms this takes varies from couple to couple. Some couples still have most of their sexual contacts with each other. Other couples only have sporadic sex with each other and most of their sexual experiences lie outside the relationship. Still other couples find that the only time they are having sex with each other is when engaged in a menage or group sex scene. These men sanction anonymous sexual encounters, affairs, or forays to safe sex clubs or parties. They openly discuss their outside sexual experiences and even introduce their lover to their other sexual partners. Often these couples seek counseling when one or both is worried that there is so much autonomy that the relationship is dissolving.
Elliot and Steve have defined themselves as a male couple for over ten years, and began to live together after five years. Their relationship was never sexually exclusive. Most nights they sleep in the same bed, and there is always an abundance of affectionate physical contact. At times, a person with whom one of them is sleeping becomes either a sexual partner or affair for both of them. They each have independant ongoing affairs with other people. At present, they have sex alone with each other infrequently. They take vacations together and celebrate all major holidays in a family style with close friends. They each are certain that they are partners for life.
Increasingly, couples who want to become sexually exclusive primarily as a response to their fears about contracting AIDS seek counseling (Carl, 1990). Some of these couples are successful in making the transition to sexual exclusivity. For other couples, attempting the change into sexual exclusivity only creates unnessary tensions and strains on the relationship. In this situation, the first job of the family therapist is to help the couple assess how realistic a goal sexual exclusivity is and how each partner feels this might change the relationship.
One of the reasons given most frequently for why men seek sex outside of their primary relationship is that they do not feel free to do certain sexual acts with their lovers. Some men in committed relationships who have outside sex but are ambivalent about doing som have discussed a need to try some sexual scenario or fantasy that adds variety to their sex life. They frequently report feeling embarassed by these urges and badly about these particular sexual wants (and often about sexuality in general and homosexuality, in particular). Their embarassment or discomfort regarding these particular sexual tastes arises from feeling shame for even finding these particular sexual activities desirable, and is increased by their unwillingness to risk sharing with their lover their need for sexual variety. This, then, results in a less satisfying or even dull sex life with their lover and becomes a convenient rationalization for sex with other partners (especially when sex outside the relationship is exciting).
Sometimes this inability to communicate specific sexual desires to one's lover is indicative af an inability to communicate emotional or social needs as well. It can also be a way of creating some emotional distance between the two men, that may be related to one man's discomfort with the intimacy between himself and his lover.
I have worked with couples where desiring sex with partners other than one's lover may, but does not necessarily indicate communication difficulties between members of the couple. One partner may simply have an appetite for a particular sexual behavior that holds no interest at all for his partner. If, after discussion, they agree that a particular behavior is not something in which they can engage as a couple, one may go off to have these needs taken care of by someone other than his primary partner. I have worked with couples where, when this occurs, the man will return home and tell his partner about what has happened. This often has the effect of strengthening the primary bond between the lovers, since this has not become a shame-filled secret. Unlike heterosexual couples in which both partners do not share an interest in the same erotic object choice, members of male couples often report being turned on by descriptions of their partner's outside sexual activities.
Sometimes the function of treatment is to get the partners to communicate specific sexual fantasies. Couples treatment can help men who find themselves in this situation learn to openly discuss sexual needs and wants with their lover as a means of increasing the intimacy between them. Thus it is possible to help couples discover how to have the excitement associated with extra-relationship sexual liasons, yet remain sexually exclusive is desired.
Prior to Silverstein (1981), nothing had been written about long-term male couples who have no or infrequent sex. For a variety of reasons, these couples are no longer sexually active with one another. One of the reasons for this sexual inactivity may involve the stage of the relationship. McWhirter and Mattison (1984) report that some couples pass through a period of very minimal or no sexual activity that may last for years and then enter the sixth stage of their relationship, a period of renewing, when often romance and sexual activity between the partners returns.
Some of these men are no longer sexually active at all with anyone. At one time, these couples were sexually active with each other in one of the relationship styles described above. This situation describes men in all age groups. Silverstein (1981) protrays men in these kinds of coupled relationships who, with high levels of satisfaction, describe their relationships as "brotherly."
Some nonsexual couples are people who have grown increasingly close and intimate over the years, but are unable to maintain a sexual relationship, sometimes out of an inability to integrate sex, romance and intimacy with one individual. These couples are still at times quite romantic, having quiet candle lit dinners alone, vacationing together; in every way they are spouses. There are some couples where one partner still wishes the relationship was sexual, but his lover is either unable or unwilling to do this. These men may even sleep in the same bed and cuddle. One of the explanations I have often heard for the lack of sexuality between these partners is that it would "feel incestuous" for them to have sex.
The sexlessness of some of these relationships may also be attributable to internalized homophobia insofar as these men have not learned to feel good about themselves sexually and, by extension, are not able to value the men with whom they have sex. They are thus faced with the situation in which they value the interactions, friendship and companionship of their lover. But, in order to have all the other areas of their shared life continue to function, they have lost sexual interest in this one special man so as not to devalue the relationship by "polluting" it with sex.
These relationships cause us to really look at the definition of what is a "relationship." Who is to say that two loving partners need to have sex with each other to be involved in a satisfying or healthy relationship? By extension, looking at these kinds of couples also raises questions about the meaning of sex within a relationship.
AIDS has created a new generation of nonsexual lovers. These are couples whose sex lives have ceased as a direct result of AIDS. This is sometimes caused by one or both partners being so phobic about AIDS that he or they have completely shut down sexually.
One side effect of active HIV infection is often a loss of sex drive. This can add to the strains of a couple coping with the life threatening illness of one partner by depriving them of one of the ways they used to share comfort, play and relief. If the couple was not sexually exclusive prior to the onset of the illness, this may be less of a problem. At the same time, several men have reported that, though they used to have sex comfortably outside the relationship before their lovers became ill, now that their partners are unable to enjoy the same freedom, the well partners often report feeling guilty and uncomfortable seeking sex elsewhere.
Some couples settle into a sexless but even more affectionate and caring relationship than they had prior to the illness.
Don and Theo were lovers for three years before Don came down with AIDS. They had a fun and satisfying sex life until Don lost all interest in sex concurrent with increased symptoms of AIDS, but was willing to hold Theo and help him masturbate. Both talk about feeling an increased intensity and sense of value in their time together.
As Don's neuropathy worsened, it became too painful for him to sleep with anyone in the same bed. As a result, Theo slept on a fold-out sofabed in the living room. This was one of the most difficult losses to which they needed help adjusting as a couple.
Increasingly, gay men are choosing to be parents. Many of these men are in long-term committed relationships. Some men choose to adopt orphaned children. Others wish to become biological parents and must first confront the spectre of learning what their HIV status is, since if one or both men have been exposed to HIV, the potential of exposing the woman to HIV infection through donated sperm has to be explored (Berzon, 1988). If the man who is going to be the sperm donor tests negative for HIV, issues related to sexual exclusivity and nonexclusivity may arise in deciding just how the child will be conceived. If the two men are in a sexually exclusive relationship but decide with the woman who will bear the child not to employ alternative insemination methods, conceiving the child through heterosexual intercourse results in sexual nonexclusivity. The child growing up with two daddies will be part of a nontraditional family. If the two daddies are part of a long-term menage or have an acknowledged open relationship, the issue of how monogamy and nonmonogamy is handled can also affect the child.
Simon and Tim have been lovers for over ten years. They have never been sexually exclusive, though they remain sexually active with each other. They both have wanted children for some time. After learning that they both were sero-negative for antibodies to HIV, they decided to actively pursue having children. Tim and Sharon, a close heterosexual woman friend decided to have a child that they would jointly raise. Having been actively bisexual at various points in his life, Tim and Sharon agreed that the child would be conceived through sexual intercourse. This caused Simon to feel threatened in a way he had never been by any of Tim's involvements with men.
Simon arranged with a lesbian couple who are close friends for him to donate sperm that would be artificially inseminated into one of the women. Simon had numerous feelings and insecurities about the fact that Tim was sleeping with Sharon to make the baby and his child would be "a turkey baster baby."
Both women became pregnant within a few weeks of each other and preparations were begun for the arrival of the children. These preparations involved counseling to air all feelings and concerns about the changes that children and incorporating the children's mothers into their lives would bring.
Six months into the pregnancy, the woman who was carrying Simon's child miscarried. This precipitated a depression for Simon, the woman and her lover. In addition, Simon felt hurt and abandoned by the increasing amount of time Tim was spending with Sharon to take birthing classes. When Adam was born, Simon found it difficult to share in the joy. The increased demands placed upon Tim as an active co-parent at times cause strains and conflicts in Simon and Tim's relationship that were not present before Adam's birth.
There are many different styles of relating among male couples, probably more styles than have been described in this brief article. A framework has been described for looking at male couples through a classification system based on the variety of ways men bond and maintain a relationship. In addition, how sex is a factor in the development and maintenance of a relationship between two men has also been examined.
In describing the relationship styles of male couples, several questions emerge. Do heterosexual and lesbian couples fall into similar categories as male couples? If so, are they just living the varieties of lifestyles more secretly than male couples? How much of the relationship styles of male couples has to do with the fact that the dyad is composed of two people both raised as men?
Is there a correlation between varieties and fluidity of the relationship styles and longevity of a couple? More research on all kinds of human coupling is sorely needed and long overdue.
There is no one right way to be a male couple and any attempt to create rigid rules about the only "true" kind of relationship does not acknowledge or respect the tremendous diversity among human beings. It is probably safe to say this is as true for heterosexual and lesbian couples as it is for male couples.
Many proponents of the illness model of homosexuality have used the supposed inability of gay men to form lasting relationships to buttress their assertions. What this article has demonstrated is that gay men regularly form any number of different kinds of committed relationships.
Describing the various relationship styles of male couples illustrates the varieties of ways that two people can experience commitment and intimacy. Some couples have extremely high levels of intimacy while choosing to be sexually exclusive. Other couples experience intense intimacy without sexual exclusivity. Other male couples are able to make and strengthen long-term commitments to each other and to their relationship even in the absence of ongoing genital sex with each other. For many of these couples, security is equated with relationship stability, which is demonstrated by the emotional primacy each feels for the other and their relationship, as distinguished from sexual possessiveness.
The field of social work has increasingly been attempting to understand and incorporate cultural diversity into the fabric of sophisticated and sensitive practice. A basic principle of good clinical practice with couples or families is to meet clients "where they are at" in order to engage them in the helping process. When working with clients who have different life experiences from those of the worker, therapists will only be successful in meeting clients "where they are" when they have accurate knowledge about them. Many couples who seek counseling do not fit the mold of traditional heterosexual marriages. It is especially important for clinical social workers to become acquainted with the different relationship styles described in this article so as to be able to help assess where any strains and/or dysfuctions are occuring within a male couple who seeks treatment.
Those who see gay men as pathological claim in part as a basis for this asssetion that gay men are obsessed with sex. If this was indeed true, there would not be so many committed relationships between gay men where sex is not the primary method of bonding between them. Articulating the broad variety of relationship styles of male couples remains important because, even today, there are relatively few easily identified role models for new male couples to look toward as reference points for guidance and identification. By looking at and understanding the diversity of male couples, much can be learned about all parts of the human family.
Berzon, B. (1988). Permanent partners: Building gay & lesbian relationships that last. New York: E.P. Dutton.
Blumstein, P. & Schwartz, P. (1983).American couples: Money, work & sex. New York: William Morrow.
Carl, D. (1990). Counseling same sex couples. New York: W.W. Norton.
Hunt, M. (1974). Sexual behavior in the 1970s. Chicago: Playboy Press.
Hyde, J. (1982). Understanding human sexuality. New York: McGraw Hill.
McWhirter, D. & Mattison, A. (1984). The male couple: How relationships develop. Englewood Cliffs, N.J.: Prentice Hall.
Marcus, E. (1988). The male couples guide to living together. New York: Harpur & Row.
Silverstein, C. (1981). Man to man: Gay couples in America. New York: William Morrow.
Stulberg, I. & Smith, M. (1988). Psychosocial impact of the AIDS epidemic on the lives of gay men. Social Work, 33(3), 277-281.
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