Just as there is no "typical" gay man, there is no one "normal" way to behave sexually. Each person must work to integrate his unique needs for sex, romance and passion in a way that is authentic and at the same time sensitive to the needs of the people around him. It would be simplistic to assume that gay men never become sexually and/or romantically involved with women. Some men who have sex with men, repeatedly and over time, may never identify themselves as homosexual or gay. Some are heterosexually active as well and are living with a woman or are married. Many men who currently self-identify as gay went through periods of their lives when dating, marrying women, and fathering children were conscious attempts to hide their homosexual feelings from themselves and others. Some only recognized and acted upon their same sex-desires, after being married. There are men who choose to remain married or involved with women after accepting their homosexual feelings and embracing an altered identity which may or may not be "gay" or "bisexual." They may just have sexual encounters with other men or have long-term same-sex partnerships while married to a woman. Many gay men are fathers. Some of them have children from heterosexual marriages. Others are choosing to adopt children
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This chapter is dedicated to John Goodman, who surprised me with a rich and complex love affair as I approach fifty, and for his exhausting editing of this chapter. Everlasting thanks. MS
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or donate sperm to become biological fathers after they have come out as openly gay men.
There is a growing incidence of self-identified gay men either regularly or periodically having sex with or beginning complex romantic and sexual relationships with women without disavowing their identities as gay men. These are often younger men who embrace a definition as "queer," and steadfastly reject either a "heterosexual" or "bisexual" label.
The ready availability of male-male recreational sex has been a reality of contemporary gay life, no matter where you live. One problem is that much of gay men's sexuality is bound to a culture that is oriented towards single and younger gay men. This has the potential to create difficulties as men couple, grow older and wrestle with an evolving sense of who they are and what they want, both sexually and emotionally. As we age and mature, our sexual needs change. The urge to have sex often diminishes as men grow older. Most younger gay men rarely think of older men as having active and satisfying sex lives. Yet there is no reason why sex need stop being an important and glorious spice throughout one's life. What follows is written from my perspective as a white, middle-class gay man who has lived most of his life in Manhattan. I hope that some of the issues raised are pertinent to nonwhite, nonmiddle-class and nonurban men as well.
Sex and sexual attraction are powerful intoxicants, mood altering experiences that have the potential to cloud our judgement. It's important for each of us to know what our own needs are at any given moment, especially when they relate to sex. If you are unpartnered, horny, and inclined to act on this feeling, your options extend from masturbating, to visiting a sex club or carousing in search of an adventure -- which, if you find a willing partner or partners may or may not leave you satisfied. If you choose to visit a bar, club, sex venue or go online to a chatroom, take time to examine what your expectations are. It's important to be aware if you are in "husband hunting mode." In which case, be careful since engaging in "casual sex" can result in disappointment if you hook up with someone uninterested in dating or some other long-term arrangement. Strong feelings may be stirred up by any sexual encounter, even when the other party (or parties) is a total stranger. If you know for sure that you are looking only for a one time fling, never say or intimate anything to your new friend that might lead him to construe your time together as the beginning of something longer-term. If you have no desire to call him or see him don't exchange phone numbers. Treat every man you meet in an overtly sexual context with as much kindness, honesty, dignity and sensitivity as you want exercised toward you.
If you know that all you want is momentary sexual pleasure then fast-food sex may be just the thing. On the other hand, if you are looking for a viable boy friend, don't delude yourself into thinking you're likely to find the man of your dreams in such a context. There will always be exceptions to this rule, but most of the men you meet in these sexual playgrounds will not have marriage on their minds, unless they are trying to forget for a few hours that they are in one (gay or hetero).
Making love with someone you don't know can be a very intimate experience. While such intimacy can sometimes evolve into a friendship or even a relationship, it usually turns out to be a momentary shared experience. I clearly remember how lonely I'd feel waking up with someone I had just met after a night of breathless sex if the morning after, he was distant and not very interested in me. For some, a date means getting together for sex. More traditionally dating offers two people a framework for socializing in which they can assess their mutual attractions and compatibility. This form of dating is a skill many gay men have yet to learn.
A complex, satisfying and rich relationship is usually based on multiple factors, for example mutual fondness and sexual attraction, shared or complimentary interests and values, having fun, curiosity in who each other is, and what each does with his life. A man who says he wants to find a husband may behave in ways that sabotage any potential for long-term intimacy. He may have sex with someone he happens upon, under the mistaken impression that he is auditioning his next potential future husband. The intensity of initial sexual intoxication may mislead him as to his true feelings about the guy. Many of my patients describe making a clear distinction between fast-food sex and dating with an eye towards finding a partner. They defensively accuse me of suggesting that if they stop having casual sex, they will magically find a husband. For gay men, a big challenge is to learn to have the way we consciously express ourselves sexually also be about our need to feel connected to another man socially and emotionally. I am not saying that a person needs to be in love in order to be sexual, but rather that it is virtually impossible to have sex and not have a lot of feelings stirred up, even if it is only the excitement of having a fantasy fulfilled.
Don't get me wrong; I don't believe there is anything wrong with casual sex, or that a strong shared sexual passion may not ultimately turn out to be a good a place to begin exploring the possibility of a long term partnership. It's just that my clinical and personal experiences have shown that when someone is separating sex from their needs for intimacy in one area of their life, they usually have a difficult time integrating the two components in others. There are many reasons why having sex with a stranger is getting in the way of single men meeting someone with whom they might share their lives more fully. Sex can anesthetize feelings of loneliness, boredom and sadness. By experiencing those feelings, anyone will be better able to recognize when a nonsexual connection with a new man in their life begins to address those deeper needs. If you are hoping to meet someone who will be a companion, or friend, as well as a lover, you will need to base the relationship on a lot more than the fact that the two of you throw each other's hormones into an uproar. If you are on the prowl and are giving off hungry or desperate vibrations, the kind of man you will attract will likely be in a similar state. Yet, I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge that some very wonderful relationships have begun when people did have sex upon first meeting. When neither is feeling desperate about needing or wanting a relationship, there is a greater likelihood that an encounter that becomes sexual, whether through a serendipitous meeting or on a first date can evolve into something more.
Bars, baths, chat rooms, sex clubs and discos are about the worst places to meet a potential mate. Most people who are in one of these venues are there either to dance and hang out with their friends or to try and pick someone up. In addition many people hanging out in a bar, club or sex party have probably had something to drink or are high on some kind of "recreational chemical." People drink or take drugs because it makes them feel more relaxed. Yet meeting a potential spouse while one or both of you are under the influence can certainly diminish your ability to make good choices.
It's a lot easier to meet potential partners when you're engaged in an activity that you enjoy. Thus the gym, gay athletic, social or political events, gay trips or community organizations provide you with the opportunity to meet someone with whom you share at least some interests. For instance if you like scuba diving, hiking, playing volleyball, writing poetry, politics, or two-step dancing, many cities have organizations for lesbians and gay men that are built around these specific interests. Doing volunteer work at any lesbian or gay community social service organization is another good way to meet potential dates. Caring people who are willing to give of themselves by providing community service are much better prospects as potential husbands than people who are only consumed with themselves and their own interests. If you are HIV positive or have AIDS, organizations such as Body Positive, Positive Action, and Being Alive sponsor events that can facilitate people living with HIV/AIDS meeting each other for friendship, mutual support and dating. Volunteering at a local AIDS service organization is another place where you are liable to meet people who will be able to deal with your health status. Increasingly, people living with HIV are placing classified advertisements that state upfront what their health status is. I met my current partner when he put an ad in one of the gay magazines headlined "Buff, Positive and Hopeful."
For men interested in partnering, it is crucial to figure out if a particular man is available for more than sex. Thus it's necessary to spend a lot of time talking early on. Learning certain basic things about a person (like where he lives, where he's from, what kind of work he does, what kind of things he enjoys recreationally, and what kinds of dreams he has) can immediately provide clues to whether this is someone you want to know better. Many men have met someone in a sexual situation, gone home without having done much talking, and had good sex. Afterwards they discovered that "Mr. Hot Sex" is someone with whom they have nothing in common, someone whom they are happy to be rid of after breakfast (or before).
Before jumping into bed with a new man, spend some time talking to him and ask yourself some questions. Does he encourage you to talk about yourself, or is every word out of his mouth "Me-me-me?" Do you feel comfortable opening up to him and becoming increasingly vulnerable? If so, this is probably because he responds to you with sensitivity and empathy. Never forget that he may share your own awkwardness about dating, and concerns about health, body image, and other personal matters. Pay attention whether or not he talks about personal issues in a way that results in your beginning to care about him and become curious about who he is and what makes him tick in other areas than just sexually. Getting to know another person and feeling safe with him is how genuine intimacy begins to develop. Intimacy is linked to trust. Trust doesn't happen overnight. It takes time. Trust and intimacy have to be earned.
Postponing a first sexual encounter with someone you've just met makes it possible to determine beforehand whether or not he responds to you in nonsexual ways. Does he initiate phone calls or dates? Does he return your calls promptly? It's never fun or easy having someone we like not be interested in us. Having sex with someone you don't know has the potential for putting you out on a limb emotionally, especially if you are feeling needy or vulnerable. If a man you like doesn't feel the same way and wants to stop seeing you, this is going to be a lot more painful if you have already had sex, since making love has the potential to make you feel more vulnerable. On the other hand when you have sex with someone who shares a similar intensity of feeling, the sex becomes a way of bonding and expressing a growing sense of closeness. This is sex as an expression of intimacy and in fact, can be most exciting and satisfying.
One thing that makes courtship difficult for gay men is that we lack the kind of markers that delineate the various phases of a relationship. Heterosexuals date, go steady, give rings, and get engaged which culminates in marriage. The developmental phases and landmarks of our relationships are not formalized. Thus when two men reach the stage that is the equivalent of "going steady," sometimes they confuse this with being lovers. It is useful to discuss what the terms "boyfriend," "lover," and "partner" mean in order to make sure that you and someone you are going out with are on the same page.
Several HIV positive people have confided that they do not want to deal with telling people about being seropositive or having AIDS and risking rejection. So when they want sex they go to a sex club and play safe or go online or out, meet someone, and have conservative and very safe sex. This raises the issue of when is the appropriate time to tell prospective sex partners that you have been exposed to HIV or have "it?" Some people feel that as long as they do not do anything to place either themselves or their partners at risk of spreading HIV, they do not have to discuss HIV. On the other hand, if you don't share your health status, have safer sex, and begin to date someone, he may feel hurt, betrayed or distrustful if he learns about your health status after he has begun to become emotionally and sexually involved.
If you are HIV negative and the HIV status of your sexual or romantic partners is important to you, then it is your responsibility to ask a new man in your life whether he is HIV positive. Please remember that it would be extremely unwise to place yourself at sexual risk simply because someone, especially someone you have just met for the purposes of having sex, tells you that he is not infected with HIV. As reprehensible as lying about being infected with HIV is, there are people who do it!
Precisely because of the ever-present risk of rejection, many people with HIV decide not to have sex with anyone they just meet. They go out on a few dates that do not end up in bed. This way they decide if they like and trust the other person enough to disclose their HIV status to him. Some will choose not to continue dating a person who has HIV, and will be greatly relieved that the two of you never went to bed. This can be disappointing or even painful, but not nearly as painful as being rejected once you had sex and your feelings as well as your hormones are stirred up.
AIDS has definitely influenced the process of coupling for gay men. Some men, including seronegative widowers who have already lost a lover to AIDS won't date an HIV-infected person. There is rancor by some about the political incorrectness of this kind of "AIDS apartheid." As a sero-positive man this doesn't make me angry; I can understand those feelings and respect them. This is an issue about people's feelings and limits, not about political correctness.
Many don't see HIV antibody status as a barrier to forming new relationships. Being sero-positive or even having AIDS doesn't necessarily mean the end of one's chances for beginning a relationship. Obviously, HIV can complicate things and make the process of meeting people and dating more difficult. In conversations with people who have HIV, I've heard many different desires expressed regarding the kind of person being sought as a lover. There are men who only want to go out with others who are seropositive, feeling that this will make things less difficult. Others are interested exclusively in uninfected men. Some have told me that they limit themselves only to widowers because such men have a track record of a successful relationship.
I have personally been very fortunate in the area of relationships. Since finding out that I was HIV-positive in the late 1980s I have had two long-term relationships. Being a sexually active single man in the 80s brought new challenges. For those of us who chose not to stop having sex, the reality was that sex, and thus physically expressing our love and desire for other men was equated with death. Each sexual encounter was fraught with the demands of how to make safer sex erotic and fun. In 1990 I met a wonderful man named Lee, and in my early 40s embarked upon the second great love affair of my life that lasted until he died from AIDS related causes in our bed in 1994.
Once my initial mourning subsided I found myself a middle aged, HIV-positive gay widower trying to negotiate a social and sexual terrain that was strewn with over a decade of AIDS related casualties and losses. I had occasional sexual forays and brief affairs, but none were as deeply satisfying as what I had experienced with Lee. This was curious, for Lee and I had not had a very interesting or satisfying sex life. The ravages of the illness often prevented our relationship from being as sexual as both of us would have liked. Yet the intensity of our love created a richly erotic, though often nonsexual passion that helped sustain us.
As I approach 50, my sexual and emotional life is very different than it was twenty and thirty years ago, and vastly more satisfying. In the summer of 1999 I met another healthy HIV+ widower whose partner had died 10 years earlier. There was an immediate and powerful sexual and emotional chemistry between us. He recently moved in, and our lives become increasingly intertwined as we are in the early stages of building our relationship.
This last anecdote is intended to illustrate that one's sexual and emotional life does not stop after 35, 45 or even 55. I have friends who are in their 70s and 80s who remain sexually active. Some are coupled, others are single. Unfortunately there are all too few guides for gay men of any age about how to become and remain comfortable with integrating the sexual parts of who we are into the totality of the kind of person we are and want to become.
There are numerous challenges in learning how to become and remain sexually healthy as a gay man. (For an excellent book that deals comprehensively with gay men's sexual health from a predominantly medical perspective see The Ins and Outs of Gay Sex by Dr. Stephen Goldstone). When most people think of gay men's sexual health the first thing that springs to mind is preventing AIDS. The knowledge that HIV is sexually transmitted has been a constant in gay men's lives for over two decades. The concept of safer sex must be expanded beyond learning how to avoid contracting or transmitting sexually transmitted diseases, (STDs) of which HIV is only one. Another component of safer sex is about learning how to choose partners wisely so as not to put yourself in any physical or emotional danger.
Today almost every gay man has the information he needs to protect himself from either getting or spreading HIV. When those of us who designed the first generation of AIDS prevention programs expected men to always engage in safer sex every time they had sex, we were being unrealistic and psychologically naive. Misconceptions that since the onset of combination therapies getting HIV is "no big deal" and that HIV treatment regimens are easy, have greatly contributed to complacency concerning safer sex. It is essential that no one become apathetic about the need for safer sex or the dire consequences of engaging in unprotected sex.
In the early 1970s I was a college student beginning to embrace my identity as a gay man. Luckily, this included a large dose of gay activism centered around two organizations, the newly formed gay student group at State University of New York at Binghamton and when I was not at school, the Gay Activists Alliance (GAA) in Manhattan.
The periodicals Gay Sunshine, Body Politic and Fag Rag provided a constant supply of interesting and provocative articles to read, many of them equating various sex acts practiced by gay men with acts of revolution. Articles such as these often became the focus in consciousness raising and discussion groups that I participated in with other gay men at the university, at the GAA Firehouse in lower Manhattan and after graduating form college at Identity House, a gay peer-counseling organization for which I did volunteer work. In those days, many of us involved in the young gay liberation movement were exploring such topics as the relation between monogamy and internalization of heterosexual norms, the politics of self-identifying as exclusively a top or a bottom, group sex, leather sex, drag, etc. It was exhilarating and sexy to discuss the hows and whys of particular sexual behaviors with other men, many of whom were intoxicatingly attractive. In addition to wanting to advance the cause, part of my motivation for participating was the hope of meeting and scoring sexually with other sexy activists.
All of us found it important and validating to discuss sex with other gay men, not to mention to actually have sexual experiences with men of vastly different backgrounds, classes and temperaments. Our positive connections to the community of gay men were bound up with both our activism and our sexual adventurism. We placed considerable emphasis on our right to do whatever we wanted with our bodies, giving ourselves permission to experiment. This sexually-charged moment was for many of us the beginning of a positive gay self-image. A younger generation experienced a similar excitement in combining activism with developing or strengthening a positive gay identity through involvement in ACT-UP and/or Queer Nation. As in earlier generations, the latest era of queer activism was fueled in part by an intense erotic energy. The chief difference between the queer activism in the 1980s and the earlier generation is how much more savvy the players had become about the mechanisms of power and especially about how to advantageously use the media.
I always recognized that deep but vague yearnings propelled me to meet men. Sometimes I hoped my sexual adventuring would bring me love. In those years, sex was one of my prime recreational activities. Retrospectively and after years of therapy I began to wonder whether my sexual drive was indeed the need that I sought to satisfy, and to question why it was that even really great sex rarely left me feeling like I had had enough? Finally I came to understand that if all I had been looking for from any particular sexual encounter was a shared adventure with no emotional involvement, then indeed one satisfying liaison served that purpose. Being sexual was a form of creative self-expression. The times I just wanted to play, having sex with a large number of men was simply the adult equivalent of the proverbial kid in a candy store, where if one was fun, two or three was even more fun. At other times it was an attempt to scratch an itch that had nothing to do with sexual desire and was about trying to squelch unpleasant feelings like loneliness, boredom, depression, or fill in a sense of internal emptiness. Sometimes cruising for sex was a way of socializing or getting affection as well as a release. When needs which were more complex than "feeling horny" were at play, propelling me to have sex, no quantity of sex left me feeling satisfied or good.
All people's yearnings for sex is bound up in a variety of complex needs, dynamics and reactions. It was fun to have lots of sex with different men, and frequently I became friends with the men I "tricked" with. Frequently there were powerful and intense feelings that accompanied a sexual liaison, resulting in my almost always wanting to see any man with whom I had had great sex again. In those days, I, like many young people did not have a developed sense of who I was, or what I wanted in many areas of my life, including sex. Some of the things that influenced my own sexual adventurism were: an often problematic and unsatisfying primary relationship; the excitement of recognizing I was sexually desirable and acting on these attractions; a need to bolster my self-esteem through the connections between being sexually active and developing increased self-confidence; how sexual activity was related to my emerging autonomy and developing identity as an adult; and the power and bliss that a satisfying sexual or romantic adventure made me feel. Differentiating among these often intimately interwoven motivations was confusing. One of the chief reasons for this confusion was simply my youth, and the corresponding lack of emotional insight or sophistication about my own internal life.
Of course there was a lot more than just sex going on in those days prior to AIDS. People were coming out, making friends, forging a community with political agendas, having affairs and sometimes even beginning long term lover relationships that might or might not be sexually exclusive. Yet there was no denying the fact that erotic energy was one important fuel for much of what happened in those years. Looking back, I now understand that the lack of emphasis on the connections between feelings and sex, or sex and intimacy was a result of our having been socialized as men. Even as gay men many of us were not really able to easily integrate the feeling component of our lives with our sexual exploration.
Large numbers of gay men who had been connoisseurs of the gay sexual-supermarket lifestyle and, and even before the threat of AIDS, began to move away from the sexual fast lane because its pleasures were fading. Without disavowing their former sexual proclivities--we're all jumpy about fueling homophobic prejudice against gay sexuality--these are men who confess that recreational sex had stopped satisfying the deeper cravings they had for emotional connection. Some of them felt a growing confusion about their relationship to sex as they went through the motions but felt an alarming inner emptiness even while experiencing physical pleasure. Gay men are in the paradoxical position of being defined by our sexual desire for other men--and threatened with violence and hatred on that sole basis--and at the same time we have enjoyed the most sexually permissive era of modern life.
I have always maintained that gay men claiming the right to be sexual in any way we choose and defying all social convention to be fully sexual beings has been a strength and joy for us, and a sign of mental health. Gay men, as a group, are probably the most accepting of diverse sexual practices and most articulate about our sexual tastes of any other group in society. I regard this facility as a good sign--satisfying sex has to start with knowing what you like and being able to express it. But more and more, I am seeing the psychological fall-out of having accepted a hyper-sexual definition of ourselves. The cost has been in neglecting to explore our emotions and capacity for intimacy. Even putting together the words "sex" and "emotions" will strike some gay men as paradoxical. In splitting off our emotions from our libidos, we may have done ourselves a disservice.
All of us yearn for tenderness from other men. More and more, when I hear people describe their ideal mate, it is a man who would be their best friend, a hot sexual partner and also a sensitive, emotionally expressive, interesting, and kind person. The ideal is not only a sexual stud, but a caring, nurturing and vulnerable man as well. At the same time that many men are articulating a desire to find a more emotionally expressive and sensitive partner, the current gay ideal and stereotype is a sexual superstar, a pumped-up icon. "There have always been paradigms in the gay world," Michelangelo Signorile says in Sex Between Men. "But it seemed in the past that there were more choices, more leeway about what was considered a gay stud."
When one man is powerfully attracted to another who is virile and butch-looking, he may fantasize that this mythologized man is capable of nurturing and emotional vulnerability -- of behaving in ways that are completely at odds with the image he projects. Feminism has deconstructed the stereotypical notion that all beautiful, well-built women are "mindless bimbos." Similarly, it is important for us to challenge the pervasive view that "pumped" masculine men are dumb, insensitive, coarse and incapable of empathy. Yet many of us continue to read the hyper- masculinized look as synonymous with emotionally unavailable. For the past 50 years the gay male image has often been overtly sexual and virile. Part of the emergence of a butch gay image arose out of the vast numbers of gay men who served in the armed forces during WWII. Partially it was a reaction to the portrayal of all gay men as limp-wristed pansies in the '50s. Additionally it was as a counterpoint to androgynous flower children of the '60s. In the 70s, the Village People, in all their assorted sexual stereotypes, the Castro clone, with his over-emphasized basket and buns and the phallic superman of Tom of Finland all became gay icons. None of these images glorified an emotionally available, sensitive and expressive man who was softer than traditional American images of what it means to be a man. But it is important to differentiate between having an erotic fantasy and using those fantasies as the basis upon which to evaluate prospective boy-friends or partners.
Such is the power today of the "cult of the body" that many gay men fear the normal process of aging, on the grounds that no one will want them if they are not body-beautiful with all their hair and an ever-ready attitude about sex. Yet plenty of older men who have love handles and lack six-pack abs or a full head of hair manage to connect with other men for sexual adventures, romances, and long term partnerships. There is an organization of older gay men whose sole purpose is "to facilitate older gay men and those who appreciate them meeting one another." They publish a magazine with sexy photographs of older men. They also sponsor gatherings a few times a year where older gay men socialize and, meet for sexual adventures. A friend of mine in his 70s who regularly attends these events gleefully calls them "the old faggots club."
Relationships--and the lack of them--inspire perhaps the most discussion, analysis and confusion when gay men get together. When partnered, men talk endlessly about what could be better about their relationship. With they are single, gay men in search of stable, loving relationships, often wonder out-loud if they don't lack some essential ingredient that would make it possible for them to find a partner. Whenever I hear this familiar refrain, I challenge it. Because gay men have often been stereotyped as being unable to sustain committed, relationships, many have internalized this idea and accept the idea that there is something inherently wrong with them, and with gay men generally. To me, this seems like a throw-back to some medieval superstition, given how many long-term, successful, happy and in-love gay couples I know. I'm surprised that this stereotype still abounds. I tell these men about the prevalence of long-term gay couples in our community and, for balance, point out that singlehood exists in the lesbian, bisexual and straight worlds, too. I also note that some people choose to be single. One reason for the seeming invisibility of long term couples or comfortably aging gay men is that many men as they age and couple do not continue to participate in the singles parts of the gay scene like clubs or bars, thus deprive younger gay men of these visible role models.
One of the beauties of queer culture is that we get to define the kind of relationship we have. There are many varieties of committed relationships between two men, each with its own unique characteristics of romantic, emotional and sexual bonding. Some male couples are sexually exclusive, while others have explicitly nonexclusive relationships right from the first period of their dating. Still others have formed a committed relationship that is made up of three men living together and sharing their lives. Most male couples in the early stages of their relationships describe a high level of sexual activity that is directly related to the newness of being in love. This is the period when male couples are most likely to be sexually exclusive. Couples sometimes move between sexual exclusivity and nonexclusivity at different points in their relationship.
With all of these options, how can you tell which is right for you? As in all important decisions, this needs to involve a multi-faceted approach that begins with doing serious self-examination in order to determine whether monogamy or an open relationship is important to you. In order to examine all your feelings honestly you have to leave political correctness out of the equation. No, gay men are not supposed to be possessive. Instead we often hear that male couples have a different relationship ethic than the one that applies to heterosexuals. Sometimes, though, our feelings are just not in synch with the prevailing political climate. And that is fine!
It is crucial that neither you nor your boy-friend or partner be afraid of raising the issue of how each feels about monogamy. Opening up a conversation about this topic does not mean that you are going to change the rules by which you have been functioning. (Unfortunately, all too often a couple has not spoken about this topic directly, and each is under the misunderstanding that he knows, while in reality he only assumes that both are functioning with the same understanding and expectations.) If you have never been able to be monogamous, this is an important piece of information to share with someone you are getting serious with. Similarly, if nonmonogamy is the big deal-breaker for you, you need to express this to any potential partner. It is also important to realize that the way either of you feel about this at any particular moment need not be permanent. You are entitled to change how you think about this (or any other important area of your life or relationship) as time goes on, as long as you and your partner explicitly discuss how your feelings have evolved.
San Francisco psychotherapist Dr. Jack Morin feels that a couple has a very good chance of adjusting to nonmonogamy if some of the following conditions exist:
Both partners want their relationship to remain primary.
The couple has an established reservoir of good will.
There is minimal lingering resentments from past hurts and betrayals.
The partners are not polarized over monogamy/nonmonogamy.
The partners are feeling similarly powerful and autonomous.
Each partner has an independent support system, so that neither is only dependent on the other as an emotional and social resource.
The partners have a higher than average tolerance for change, confusion, anxiety, jealous and other extremely uncomfortable feelings.
The couple is merely bored but very secure with each other.
If you decide to move your relationship from monogamous to an open one proceed cautiously. Spend a lot of time discussing what the rules will be, and be sure to plan for a safe transition. Instead of just opening the flood-gates, it would be better to move in small increments over time, evaluating how you both feel after each new step.
While most of us fantasize about a relationship full of hot sex, romance, great passion as well as companionship and intimacy, the reality is that there are different kinds of couples. There are couples who have a tremendous amount of sexual passion. These couples often have passionate fights that help fuel their sexual intensity. They may or may not share a great deal of interests. Other couples' relationship is based more on the quality of companionship and shared affection. These companionable couples share a less seismic level of mutual physical attraction than the previously described couples, and generally maintain a level of sexual activity with each other. These are often very long term relationships, and sometimes evolve into nonsexual but romantic partnerships. Then there are those very lucky couples that are extremely companionable and also share a very hot and passionate sex life.
I remember once seeing a cartoon that showed two men, obviously long term partners, sitting on a couch. One was doing a crossword puzzle and asked his boy friend, "What's an eight letter word for "monotony?" "Monogamy," replied his partner. The last panel has the first man hitting the other over the head with the newspaper and the first saying, "only kidding." Many gay men equate monogamy with "boring," but that need not be the case. If sex is to remain hot in any long term relationship, both men have to remember their biggest sex organ is the one between their ears. If you want to create a rich and fulfilling emotional and sexual life with your partner, think about some of the following suggestions.
Part of the excitement and fun of a new relationship is the romanticness of it all. In order for this to continue, both of you will have to work at keeping the romance alive in your relationship. Los Angeles psychotherapist, author, and editor of this book, Dr. Betty Berzon, suggests: "if the romance is waning at home, the world is full of romantic places that are a perfect backdrop for a romantic afternoon, evening, weekend, or vacation, even if it means checking into a hotel or motel for one night in order to give yourselves a change." Michigan therapist Joe Korte suggests; "to nurture your relationship reromanticize it on a regular basis. Reromanticizing might involve each of you making lists of behaviors that made you feel cared about by each other and sharing this with one another as a gentle reminder." If social plans you made as a couple have to be canceled for any reason, be sure to reschedule them, and make sure that at least part of each week end is devoted solely to being together.
There are going to be times when one wants to play and the other does not. It should always be permissible for either partner to indicate he would like sex. Similarly neither partner should feel like a sexual robot who has to perform on demand. How each of you responds to these situations will determine the sexual and emotional climate within your relationship. A simple "I'm not really there tonight, hot stuff, but I promise that before Monday comes I'll jump your bones," is a lot easier to hear than a simple "no." Another option is for the one not in the mood for a full-scale romp to ask his partner if he would like to be held or touched in a particular place or way while he takes care of himself? In these situations, stranger things have happened than both men finding themselves really turned on.
Think of sex like food: you want it fresh not stale. For instance if you know he finds you sexy in a jock, surprise him by greeting him at the door dressed for action. Just keep it interesting. Habit can become routine, and nothing gets stale faster than doing the same thing every time. That goes for everything from what you do on the weekends to what you do in bed. And if the only fun you have together is in bed (or vice versa), that's only half a relationship. Relationships require constant crafting. When things get tough, and they will, it's easy to be distracted by another hot body and find that you've suddenly got a case of irreconcilable differences. Work things out, talk about your feelings. Just because you find another man attractive doesn't mean you have to act on that attraction (or that you don't love your partner because of it).
Manhattan psychologist Robert Remien makes the points that: "It is important to recognize even the best of marriages need to be "nurtured." Try consciously not to take the relationship for granted -- it requires work - not in the sense of "drudgery," but in the need to attend to the relationship by checking in with each other by: constantly demonstrating caring; being creative; having fun; and re-visiting issues by finding out what's new (or changed) for the other. It is a good idea to periodically discuss what are the current individual as well as couple goals/priorities. Where are these in sync and in what ways are they in conflict, etc. It's important to nourish our individual goals, needs, etc., and not feel like the "marriage" is choking them. One indication that a relationship is healthy is that over time it continues to evolve, change and grow - just as we do as individuals within the relationship. It's always a challenge to be able to attend to one's own personal needs, the needs of "the other," and the needs of the couple - these are "dynamic" (changing) phenomena."
If a couple does not share enough passion to occasionally fight, then chances are there's not enough passion for good sex. You have to feel safe and secure enough with your partner to be able to get really angry at him without fearing that if you do, the relationship will end. Plus, many a heated argument has led to a sizzling make-up.
Part of adapting to and thriving in a long term partnership is being prepared for the inevitability of emotional and psychological changes. Over the years together try to remain curious about who your partner is and who he is evolving into. The initial sexual excitement that creates a profound mood altering intoxification rarely last more than two years on average. Passion often wanes as couples merge their lives and spend years and decades together. It is unrealistic to expect even the best relationship to maintain the same kind of sexual energy that is normal for any new romance. Jack Morin has written and spoken about how problematic it is to gauge a relationship's success simply by whether the sex continues to be hot. He wisely counsels that though hot sex is undeniably exciting there is nothing wrong with a steady supply of "warm sex." One member of a couple I know who have been together for more than thirty years and are still sexually active with each other sweetly notes: "Of course I see that his body has wrinkles and sags and that he does not get as aroused as he used to. Yet when he starts to get amorous with me I see the 25 year old boy I fell in love with."
There is a rich and elaborate sexual landscape that all gay men may explore. It can be overwhelming in its variety and complexity. Each of us must come to terms with his sexual needs in his own way. But this process begins with an awareness that sexual expression of any kind inevitably engages our feelings. Acceptance of this reality is the gateway to a rich, fully-realized sexual life. The best definition I know of good sex is that it leaves you feeling good about yourself, good about the person(s) you had it with, and good about what you did.
Key Words: Gay men, homosexuality, male couples, queer, sexuality, romance