It Starts With You:
Practical Tips for Taking Charge of and Improving
Your Life
Michael Shernoff, MSW
Published in Genre, No.69, April, 1999
©1999 Michael Shernoff
Permission is granted to copy or reproduce this article either in full or in part,
without prior written authorization of the author on the sole condition that the
author is credited and notified of reproduction.
There is a psychological truisim that in order to find a lover and create a healthy and dynamic
partnership you must first love yourself. There is no magic here that guarantees that once you
love yourself true love will appear. Conversely, if you do not treat yourself with respect, dignity,
love, caring and nurturance than what will any one else find attractive about you (in a deeper way
than just the way you look and type of body you have)? Several years ago there was a book
published that urged gay men to become the men of their dreams instead of just searching for
them. There is a lot of wisdom to this that can easily be translated into very practical advice that
can only help improve the quality of the way you relate first and foremost to yourself-- whether or
not you are interested in finding a partner-- and then to your friends and potential boy friends.
There are obviously no guarantees that if you do begin to implement some of the following
suggestions that you will be happily married in the immediate future. But what I can guarantee is
that if you recognize yourself in any of the ways that are described below and then take the steps
necessary to begin to change, that you will be a happier and more self-actualized human being.
The one caveat that is important to consider is that change is never easy. People remain stuck in
the routines and patterns of their lives because it is easier than expending the energy necessary to
transform their existence. Additionally change never occurs without some discomfort. The gym
adage of "no pain no gain" is as true for the psycho-calisthenics necessary to make changes in
your life as it is on the work out floor. That said, here are some practical ways to begin assessing
areas of your life that you might be willing to change.
Take Stock of Where You Are
Each of us has certain things in our life that we are not happy with and have been saying we were
going to work on or change for years. These are often the things that comprise a list of New
Years resolutions. Begin by making a list of five things that you wish were different and that are
in your power to control. It is crucial to be honest about this. (Tom Cruise might wish he were
over six feet tall, but aside from wearing platform shoes that would make Carmen Miranda jealous
there is no way that can ever come to pass.) Now prioritize the items on this list from most
important to least pressing. Then look at the list and pick one thing that is relatively unimportant
that you know you can change without too much hassle and focus on accomplishing this and only
this. It will be better to actually make one small change than to feel like a failure or loser because
you were not able to totally change the way you eat and exercise in a month's time. Be realistic
about what you feel capable of tackling at this point in your life in terms of how much time and
energy you have to invest in making this happen. If you are successful in making one small change
in your routine for instance walking home from work a few times a week instead of taking the bus
or subway, you will be more confident of your ability to try to changing something else.
Dismantle The Excuses
"I haven't bought that new furniture yet or made my apartment more homey because those are
things that you really should do with a boy friend or lover," Gary recently told me during a
therapy session. So rather than making his home more comfortable for himself, he was using the
excuse of not having a boyfriend as the reason he continued to live in a place that was not as
warm, cozy or comfortable as he wanted it to be. What this says about how he feels about himself
is that his own comfort is not a sufficient reason to do home improvements. Therapy helped Gary
recognize how many other areas of his life he did not feel like he was enough in, and how this
severely limited both the satisfaction he was experiencing in daily living, as well as his interactions
with the men he dated.
Don't Hesitate to Do Things By and For Yourself
American society regularly reenforces the idea that one can not be happy unless he or she is
coupled and has a family. This can prevent a person from doing things by and for himself that
would be fun, and interesting. Moreover, being by oneself provides opportunities to meet other
people with similar interests. When was the last time you took yourself to a movie, play, gallery or
opening? When I ask clients their reasons for not doing things by themselves they often say they
do not want to be seen as the kind of person who does not have friends. After inquiring about
who this mythical jury is, I suggest an alternative way of looking at being somewhere alone that
conveys that you are confident and self assured enough to do things on your own. This can make
you seem attractive and desirable.
Pay Attention to the Details
How you take care of yourself will tell a lot about how you feel about yourself to other people.
Do you drive a dirty car, or wear clothing that needs to be cleaned or repaired? Do you pay close
attention to your personal hygiene and grooming? If your home or apartment is dirty or a disaster
area of a mess, this can only mean that you do not think enough about yourself to take good care
of the space you live in. If your place is a sty, try changing your bed linen and towels each week,
so that you will have the pleasure of sleeping in a clean bed and using clean towels. If you usually
eat out or bring home take out, try buying some unprepared food and cooking a meal, even if it is
very simple. Bring home fresh flowers to make your home prettier for you.
We all grew up with admonishments about not being selfish that have stayed with us as adults.
What is important to realize is that there is a wide world of difference between being self-centered
and being appropriately selfish. If you love to cook, why wouldn't you cook a full meal just for
your self and then sit down to a table with fresh flowers to enjoy it? This just represents one way
that a person can be good to himself and reinforce the message that he feels good enough about
himself to deserve to lavish attention on himself and the details of his daily life.
As gay men we are continuously assaulted by homophobic messages that we internalize that try to
tell us we are not worth as much as heterosexuals, which we then internalize. It is imperative that
we treat ourselves and each other as valuable and loving human being who deserve to be treated
with respect and caring. Finding individualized and appropriate ways to do this can actually be
challenging, fun and enormously gratifying. While these suggestions may seem trivial and simple,
they are a window into how good you feel about yourself, not to mention easy ways to do nice
things for yourself that can help you feel better and boost your self esteem.
Key Words: Gay men, queer, homosexuals, homosexuality, self-esteem, self-care