It is naive and unrealistic to think that changing the rules for how the two of you have sex will not have an important and possibly irreversible impact on your relationship. For instance if you have an open relationship and go out to have sex immediately after you and your partner have a fight, then most likely the two of you will not revisit the issue that prompted the argument, and it will reemerge only with increased intensity at a later point.
It is also crucial that neither of you use sex outside the relationship to avoid issues that are occurring between you. If a relationship is falling apart, opening it up sexually will not save the marriage; it only hasten the demise of the partnership and cloud the real reasons why things are not working. While there is always the risk that one person may meet another person he wishes to begin a new relationship with, outside sex, and all the accompanying feelings, does increase the chance of this becoming a possibility.
After all, no matter how much you love someone, sex with him will invariably not remain as exciting as it is with a new person. So, prior to embarking on the path of sexual nonexclusivity, it is necessary to evaluate your priorities about sex, love and passion and the role you need and want each to take in your life and relationship.
There is also one additional caution that is important to mention. Many couples choose sexual nonexclusivity as a way of adding some spice and excitement to a dwindling and increasingly less exciting sex life. For some male couples, what winds up happening is that the only really exciting sex they have is either with an outside partner or with each other only when a third person is present. Some couples cease having any sexual contact with each other at all, but still think of themselves as life partners. If your goal is to keep having an exciting and interesting sex life with your partner, then it is important that you do not invest all of your sexual creativity and energy only in your outside liaisons.
Move Slowly
Once you have agreed that in principal this is a change that you want do not rush into it. Take some baby steps to see how they make you feel before you take the plunge. Go out to a bar or club and explicitly tell each other which men you are attracted to and why. At least the first time or two that you do this, make an agreement not to actively cruise anyone or take anyone home. Some couples find it an enormous turn on to hear about their partner's outside sexual escapades, while other couples while accepting that each will play separately have no desire at all to hear the gory details. Once you decide that you are ready to officially open the relationship do so initially on a trial basis for a few weeks only.
After a predetermined amount of time, sit down and honestly share with each other how you feel about the arrangement since having made this change. It may become clear that, no matter what rules you have agreed upon, it is not a viable option. Or you might find that you have to revisit and fine tune some of the rules, or that the arrangement is working fine and only enhancing the way you both feel about each other.
Ground Rules
In order for nonmonogamy to work, there must be mutually agreed upon ground rules that both men feel comfortable with. Here are some suggested topics to explore:
As you can see from this nonexhaustive list, there are many aspects to consider in detail when planning on changing your relationship. The majority of male couples who have successful open relationships report that sexual nonexclusivity does not threaten the very existence of the male couple the way it often does when "infidelities" are discovered in heterosexual relationships. They also report that an infidelity is not equated with a sexual tryst outside the relationship, but rather with not sticking to one of the rules that the couple has established.
Safer Sex
Whether you both are HIV negative, positive or of mixed antibody status, you have worked outrules about safer sex that work for the two of you. What the rules will be regarding sexual risk taking outside the relationship must be explicitly agreed upon. The reality is that many couples of varying antibody status are not having safer sex with each other, and are comfortable with this decision.
The concept of negotiated safety, developed in Australia, addresses this. It consists of two negative men ceasing to use condoms after having had two consecutive HIV tests together over a period of time that is several months after either has had any sexual contact with another person. If either does have any kind of risky sex outside the relationship, the couple resumes using condoms until he has again tested negative twice. This agreement is predicated on the understanding of complete honesty and trust. It is definitely a model worth considering when the two of you are setting up ground rules for sexual conduct with other partners.
Honesty
In 1983, gay author Ed White wrote: "If all goes well, two gay men will meet through sex,
become lovers, weather the storms of jealousy and the diminution of lust, develop shared
interests, and end up with a long-term, probably sexless comradery that is not as disinterested as
friendship or as seismic as passion or as charged with contradiction as fraternity. Needless to say,
such couples wreak havoc on the newcomer who fails to grasp that Bob and Fred are not just
roommates. They may have separate bedrooms and regular extracurricular sex partners or even
beaux, but Bob monitors Fred's infatuations with an eye attuned to nuance, and at a certain point
will intervene to banish a potential rival."
While you and your partner may be tricking only in pursuit of some recreational sex, some of the men you meet and play with may have husband hunting as their agenda. In order to be considerate of your sexual partner's feelings and fair to him, it is only good manners to let him know that you are taken and only playing around.
Hopefully this guide can help you begin the process of figuring out how to negotiate a potentially
important change in your relationship in an honest way that gives both you and your partner--as
well as your perspective sex partners-- a measure of safety and respect inherent to any viable and
loving gay men's community.
Key Words: gay men, gay male sexuality, nonmonogamy, relationships, male couples