Other couples have a relationship based more on the quality of companionship and shared affection, where the level of mutual physical attraction that does not necessarily include high levels of passionate sexual exchange. These couple generally maintain a level of sexual activity with each other and are often very long term relationships. Then there are those very lucky couples that are extremely companionable and also have a very hot and passionate sex life.
One of the beauties of queer culture is that we get to define the kind of relationship we have. There is no one right or wrong way to be a male couple. There are many varieties of committed relationships between two men that affects their romantic relationship and emotional bonding. Some male couples are sexually exclusive throughout the course of their relationships. Others have explicitly nonexclusive relationships right from the first period of their dating and continue in this way. Still others have formed a committed relationship that is made up of three men living together and sharing their lives and bed. Most male couples in the early stage of their relationship describe a high level of sexual activity that is directly related to the newness of being in love.
This is the stage of their relationships when male couples are most likely to be sexually exclusive. Most couples appear to move between sexual exclusivity and nonexclusivity at different points in their relationship. For example a couple may or may not start off sexually exclusive but then evolve into an having an honestly open relationship. At some point during the course of their relationship they may become primarily or even 100% sexually exclusive, or even nonsexual partners who share all aspects of their lives except for sex.
With all of these options how can you tell which is the right one for you? As in all important decisions this needs to involve a multi faceted approach that begins with your doing some very serious self-examination in order to determine whether monogamy or an open relationship is important to you. In order to honestly examine all your feeling you have to leave political correctness out of the equation. No, we are not supposed to be possessive. Instead we have a different relationship ethic than the one that applies to heterosexuals. Sometimes, though, our feelings are just not in synch with the prevailing political climate. And that is fine!
It is crucial that neither you nor your boy friend or partner be afraid of raising the issue of how each feels about monogamy. Opening up a conversation about this topic does not mean that you are going to change the rules by which you have been functioning. (Unfortunately, all too often a couple has not spoken about this topic directly, and each is under the misunderstanding that he knows, while in reality he only assumes that both men are functioning with the same understanding and expectations.) If you have never been able to be successful at remaining monogamous, this is an important piece of information to share with someone you are getting serious with. Similarly, remaining nonmonogamous is the big deal breaker for you, you need to express this to any potential permanent partner. It is also important to realize that the way either or both of you are feeling about this issue at any particular moment need not be a permanent position. You are entitled to change how you think about this (or almost any other important area of your life or relationship) as time goes on.
"My last lover and I had an open relationship and I had sex about ten times more often outside of the relationship than my partner did. Yet on those infrequent occasions when he did trick I'd go ballistic and become a crazy woman," Martin told me, laughing at his own inconsistency during a couples session with his current partner when they were talking about whether or not to open up their monogamous relationship. While figuring out whether or not nonmonogamy is for you, it is important to ask yourself and your partner do you think that you are willing and able to handle the knowledge that your boyfriend/lover/husband is having sex with other men?
San Francisco psychotherapist Dr. Jack Morin feels that a couple has a very good chance of adjusting to this change if at least some of the following conditions exist:
Both partners want their relationship to remain primary.
The couple has an established reservoir of good will.
There is minimal lingering resentments from past hurts and betrayals.
The partners are not polarized over monogamy/nonmonogamy.
The partners are feeling similarly powerful and autonomous.
Each partner has an independent support system, so that neither is only dependent
on the other as an emotional and social resource.
The partners have a higher than average tolerance for change, confusion, anxiety, jealous and other extremely uncomfortable feelings.
The couple is merely bored but very secure with each other
If you do decide to move your relationship from monogamous to an open one proceed very
cautiously. Spend a lot of time discussing what the rules will be that will allow this to be a safe
transition. It is also a good idea not to just throw the flood gates open, but to move in small
increments over time, evaluating how you both feel after each new step is taken.
This is the first in a three part series. The next part will focus on if you decide not to be monogamous, providing you with some suggestions for how to go about accomplishing this in a constructive and safe manner. The third and final article will discuss how to have fun remaining monogamous if this is what you both want.
Key Words: gay men, sex, queer relationships, monogamy, sexual exclusivity, nonmonogamy, homosexuality, sexuality