If they decide to become boy friends or lovers, the potential for problems lies down the road. Once the initial sexual passion cools down somewhat, it's possible there may not be enough common interests and values to keep them together as a couple, even if they have fallen in love. Great sex and being in love is really not enough for a relationship to be a successful long term partnership. For this reason, it is always a good idea to proceed slowly and take your time getting to know a man who is a possible new love interest.
Good sex and a powerful reciprocal erotic attraction are very powerful intoxicants, and part of the reason many men are so easily led by their dicks. It is not uncommon for someone who is in the thralls of passion to confuse the feelings associated with lust with being in love. The art of courtship and proceeding appropriately cautiously while not playing games about being interested in another man requires skills. It is an art form that is foreign to a lot of urban fags. To quote a patient of mine: "Once two men's hormones are in an uproar, all too often Our Lady of Impulse Control is no where to be found!" If, after a night of breathless sex with a new friend you have found yourself thinking of who to invite to the little church or synagogue around the corner, you are in good company. Being immediately sexual does not create any problem for two adults who are just looking for sex for the sake of having sex. But if you are serious about looking for a boy friend or a potential husband then it just might be in your best interests to read further and get some help in learning how to slow things down and not jump right into bed with someone you have just met. Additionally, you may find yourself having fun in some unexpected and novel ways.
If you are like the vast majority of gay men, you have been laid more times than you can remember. Certainly some long term partnerships began as a one night stand. But not the vast majority! If "Dolly Desperation" is the part of you who is in charge while you are out there looking, you have a real problem. Any choices you make based on feeling desperate are usually not in your best interests. If you and Mr. Right for Tonight are immediately turned on to each other, that is good. But if you want to find out if he is interested in more than getting into your pants, try not going home with him either that first night or for a few additional dates. (Nice boys do not put out until after the third date.) If the sexual energy is still there after getting to know each other for a little while, then this is a good sign that this attraction is something more than just infatuation.
Taking it slowly is also is a way for you to evaluate how much you like this person. Once you have sex with someone, the dynamics of your relationship will never be the same. The experience often leaves you feeling emotionally exposed and vulnerable. By getting to know someone before you go to bed with him, you are able to figure out whether you feel comfortable enough with him to be as vulnerable as making love will most likely make you feel. After having a dinner or two you may decide-- despite how great he looks-- he is such a jerk that you do not want him in your bed or your life. There are fewer situations that are more unpleasant than being in bed wit someone who you can't wait to get away from. Safe sex should not just be about preventing diseases; it should also be about ensuring you feel emotionally and physically safe with another person-- to trust him in your home, your body and heart. Other than the possibility of adding another notch to your lipstick case, nothing is lost by waiting to go to bed with someone new. The potential benefits incurred by waiting far surpass this one loss.
Everyone wants to feel pursued by a person he desires and likes. However, if we all wait to be pursued, nothing will happen. So, take a chance. If you like someone, let him know you are interested in getting to know him better. If you had a good time on a date last night, call the guy and let him know. What do you have to lose? Egos are just like prostate glands...they both need to be regularly touched and massaged. Courting and being courted by another man can be fun, heady, and oh so sexy. Part of the dictionary's definition of courting is: "respectful or flattering attention paid to someone in order to get something; wooing." "Wooing" means "to try and coax someone." Thus, we court someone when we want him to know that we think he is special, we are trying to seduce him, or trying to convince them to become involved with us in some way -- usually romantic.
There is a definite art (and a lot of finesse) to courting someone without coming on too strong. When courting, we want to expressing just enough interest to heighten the other fellow's desire and not to come across as a pest or over eager. In order to accomplish this you must exude a combination of confidence, desire, and restraint. The trick is not to say or do too much too soon. It's okay to throw him a little bone, but always keep him wanting more. Timing and pacing are critical elements to successfully mastering the art of courtship. It is crucial not to overwhelm the man you are trying to court. "Less is more," especially in the early phase of courting. A small bouquet of flowers or a single rose may be more on target than two dozen roses after the first shared orgasm. Pacing means that while you may be taking the lead, you should match your responses to how he responds to your various actions. The idea is to pique his interest, heighten his desire and excite enough interest that he will respond favorably to the idea of continuing and deepening what ever kind of relationship is in the process of evolving.
It is not playing games to hold back sharing everything you are thinking or feeling right away. The idea is to increase the amount of curiosity that your new potential gentleman caller has in you and how you are feeling about him, and simultaneously to discover if your curiosity and positive feelings about him are also growing. Obviously he should know that you like him, find him intriguing and want to get to know him better. By its very nature successful courtship means that you have to possess some allure-- a bit of the unknown or even a tad of mystery. Do not be a completely open book. Baring all of your darkest secrets or biggest insecurities right away usually scares a man off.
Think of taking it slowly and courtship as the social equivalent of foreplay. It should be stimulating, heightening desire, feel good and make both of you anticipate what is to come with growing pleasure and excitement.