Have Better Sex Forever...
Michael Shernoff, MSW
Originally printed in
INSTINCT, V. 1, Issue 6, Sept/Oct. 1998
©1998 Michael Shernoff
Permission is granted to copy or reproduce this article either in full or in part,
without prior written authorization of the author on the sole condition that the
author is credited and notified of reproduction.
I remember once seeing a cartoon that showed two men, obviously long term partners, sitting on
a couch. One was doing a crossword puzzle and asked his boy friend, "What's an eight letter
word for "monotony?" "Monogamy," replied his partner. The last panel has the first man hitting
the other over the head with the newspaper and the first saying, "only kidding."
Unfortunately for many gay men monogamy is equated with boring. We'd like to take this
opportunity to say, "Thank you for playing, but no. It doesn't have to be. In order for sex to
remain hot in any long term relationship, both men have to remember their biggest sex organ is
between their ears. Yeah, you heard us. So if you want to create a rich and fulfilling emotional
and sexual life with your stud monkey, start thinking with your big head.
There are a variety of ways to form a successful long-term partnership, ranging from the
completely monogamous to the completely open, with none being better than the other. The trick
is to be able to talk honestly with your partner about what will work for you, and be open to
revisiting the important issues in your relationship at different times.
After 25 years of working with male couples, I've found that most often a couple reports that
they have been sexually exclusive for certain periods of their relationship, at times lasting for
years. Two men are most likely to remain monogamous with a high level of sexual activity during
the early phase of their relationship. When asked why, most responded that the newness and
excitement of being in love is so intense and satisfying that though they find other men attractive,
they have no serious interest in diluting what is going on between them by seeking sex outside the
relationship.
It's a given that every relationship requires work. Some more than others. Part of that work
involves open communication where both men feel safe expressing their feelings and are secure in
the fact that while their partner may not always agree with them, their partner does always care
about how he is feeling. This is as true in the sexual realm of a relationship as it is in all other
areas.
To help you out, we've come up with 14 practical suggestions for those couples seeking tips on
how to keep it hot and sexy over the long haul. Follow these and who knows, you might never be
single again....
1. SEX IS NOT A COMPETITIVE SPORT
One of the major problems unique to male couples is competitiveness. Both of you don't always
have to be hard at the same time or even come during every sexual encounter in order for it to be
fun or fulfilling. So leave the sports-minded testosterone-whipped competitiveness on the playing
field when you're playing in his field and you might just end up scoring a whole lot more.
2. TIMING
There are going to be times when one wants to play and the other does not. It should always be
permissible for either partner to indicate that he would like sex. Similarly neither partner should
feel like a sexual robot who has to perform on demand. How each of you responds to these
situations will determine the sexual and emotional climate within your relationship. A simple "I'm
not really there tonight, hot stuff, but I promise that before the weekend ends I'll jump your
bones," is a lot easier to hear than a simple "no." Another option is for the one not in the mood
for a full-scale romp to ask his partner if he would like him to hold him, play with his nipples, etc
while he takes care of himself? In these situations, stranger things have happened than both men
finding themselves really turned on.
3. KEEP IT INTERESTING
Routines and sameness in how and where you have sex can make even the most exciting sex
partner seem like a double-yawner. If your partner is the one who generally initiates sexual
advances, why not try seducing him for a change? If you normally have sex in your bedroom, try
having it in front of the fire place, or on the kitchen floor, or in the back yard. If you normally
have sex with both of you undressed, try it with your smelly gym clothes on, or your suit, etc.
4. FOSTER ROMANCE
Part of the excitement and fun of a new relationship is the romanticness of it all. In order for this
to continue both of you have to work at it. Dr. Betty Berzon, a Los Angeles psychotherapist and
author suggests: "if the romance is waning at home, the world is full of romantic places that are a
perfect backdrop for a romantic afternoon, evening, weekend, or vacation, even if it means
checking into a hotel or motel for one night in order to give yourselves a change." So think
Merchant/Ivory.5. CONTINUE THE COURTSHIP
Beverly Hills therapist Ken Howard suggests: "Treat your lover like every day is a first date."
Additionally he urges: "Talk. Then talk about it some more. Silence = Death applies to more than
AIDS." Treat your guy as thoughtfully now as you did in the early days of dating. Send him
flowers or a card for no particular reason, that says something sweet or sexy. Never stop
demonstrating that you do not take him for granted. Set up a date night where the phone machine
is put on, beepers are turned off, the televison is dead, and the two of you spend the night getting
reacquainted. Visit with each other over dinner. Take a long candle lit bath or shower together.
Play a game of naked chess.
6. TOUCH
Be physically affectionate with each other on a regular basis in ways that do not necessarily lead
to sex. Keeping in close physical touch with one another helps keep the erotic fires simmering.
Take turns giving one another massages that may or may not lead to sexual play.
7. PRIORITIZE SEX
For two men with demanding professional lives it is all too easy for sex to be put on the back
burner. If one of you is cooking and the other comes up behind you, begins to hug, nuzzle and
get frisky don't respond with "The chicken will get burned." Turn around and pounce. You can
always order in if the dinner is ruined.
8. TRICK WITH YOUR LOVER
Remember how excited you used to get about sex with someone new? Take the best of "hit and
run" sex and what makes it exciting and bring it into your home. Not every sexual experience has
to be a candle lit romantic marathon, (thought these definitely have their time and place). If
during the day you have an erotic thought or reverie about your man, give him a call or send him
a dirty e mail and tell him. What's wrong with giving him a hard on under his suit from at work?
Sometimes it's really alright to treat your partner as a sexual object whose hose you want to blow.
So what if the suit needs to be sent to the dry cleaner? What's more important a hot spontaneous
and sexy adventure with your honey or an extra dry cleaning bill? If you've had a really tough and
stressful day, there's nothing wrong with walking into the house, kissing your husband and telling
him that you are so stressed out that a great blow job, (or whatever) would be most welcome.
(Of course, if it's fine for you to say that, it's also alright for him to tell you, "that would be hot,
but could we do it in twenty minutes?")
9. BE DARING AND CREATIVE
Think of sex like food: you want it fresh not stale. If you know he finds you sexy in a jock,
leather, lingerie, tin foil, whatever, surprise him by greeting him at the door dressed for action.
Try doing it in the door way. Just keep it interesting.
10. ORAL SEX (TALKING ABOUT IT)
Tell each other what would turn you on, what sexual fantasies you have. How are you going to
find out whether your boyfriend has been dying for you tie him up unless the two of you talk
about it? Sharing fantasies means being vulnerable with each other. Be respectful of what your
partner is sharing with you. Reading a porn story to each other that you found hot is another way
to have a private level of sexual communication. Go shopping together for a sex toy. Tell each
other what sexually interests you and why.
11. BE GENTLE
If he shares with you his desire to do something you feel is just way too kinky for you, try not to
respond with "Ugh! That's really weird. You're weird. No way are you going to get me to do
THAT." Be honest if something doesn't interest you, but do not be critical of something he shares
with you that turns him on. Try to remain open to having your sexual boundaries expanded. As
they say, don't knock it if you haven't tried it. Because you never know, you might just like it.
12. DON'T AVOID FIGHTS
If a couple does not share enough passion to occasionally fight, then chances are that there's not
enough passion for good sex. You have to feel safe and secure enough with your partner to be
able to get really angry at him without fearing that if you do, the relationship will end. Plus, many
a heated argument has led to a sizzling make up.
13. DON'T HOLD ONTO ANGER
My grandfather who was married for over 70 years to my grandmother before she died, once told
me that they never went to bed angry. This is very wise advice for any couple who wishes to
keep their sex lives active. Every couple will invariably have times when one or both is angry at
the other. It is crucial to tell your partner when you are angry or disappointed in the way he has
treated you. Closing down and not telling him how you are feeling is a sure way not to have a
healthy sexual or emotional life.
14. EXPECT IT TO CHANGE
That initial sexual excitement that creates a profound mood altering sexual intoxification rarely
last for more than two years on the average. It is unrealistic to expect even the best relationship
to maintain the same kind of sexual energy that is a normal part of any new romance. One couple
I know who have been together for more than thirty years and are still sexually active with each
other put it this way: "Of course I see that his body has wrinkles and sags and that his dick does
not get as hard as it used to. Yet when he starts to get amorous with me I still see the 25 year old
boy I fell in love with."