Michael Shernoff, LCSW
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In the past 10 years, the proliferation of the Internet has been world-shaking. A growing percentage of humanity now has access to the Internet and can therefore
access an infinite amount of information on every imaginable topic. Communication among our species has never been easier. Time and space are irrelevant in
virtual reality, and the possibilities for synergistic dynamics - the quantum leaps minds can make when they come together to share ideas --has never before been
available to humans on this scale. There's also spam and viruses and the pernicious "virus" of capitalism that is turning this wonderful tool of exploration and
investigation into a junkyard of billboards and ads for Viagra and opportunities to increase one's penis size. Overlooking those inconveniences, the Internet is
changing the way human beings socialize.
An entire online gay culture has blossomed in the last decade, and has transformed how gay and bisexual men meet one another. It's as dramatic as the change
gay culture experienced when hidden-away gay clubs that were regularly raided by police morphed into openly gay bathhouses, bars and discos that were hip,
chic, clean and well-lit. The Internet has streamlined the whole pick-up and mating ritual. Men who in the past might have been too intimidated to even enter a
gay bar, bookstore or community center, or if they did find the courage to go into one of these establishments might never have actually approached and initiated
conversations, suddenly can be bold and forthright in their pursuit of partners online. They can even approach men whom they would have thought beyond their
reach --too young, too attractive, too successful, etc. The potential of face-to-face rejection in bars and clubs has been lifted by the Internet. For many men, it is
a kind of liberation from the often unbearable anxiety of cruising in bars or clubs.
Since online profiles explicitly state sexual desires and preferences, no longer does a man have to engage in idle chatter while trying to figure out what the sexy
man with whom he's been talking might like to do in bed. There was a time when men would wear hankies of various colors to signify what sexual behavior they
were looking for. Now, the search engine has replaced the hanky, and men are able to zero-in on available men who share their sexual interests. There are all
kinds of chat rooms based on sexual preferences, just as large cities used to have gay bars that specialized in certain proclivities (bear bars, BDSM clubs, etc.).
Now, gay chat rooms have replaced gay bars and clubs as places to meet, mingle and find sex. Cutting through the small talk, which helps to bypass many
anxieties, accounts for a lot of the appeal of the Internet as a venue for meeting men. In addition, the Internet allows users a high degree of anonymity, which is
highly appealing to those who are not out, or who are just coming out, or who are questioning their sexual orientation. I remember years ago hearing patients
talk about how they would drive past the gay bar again and again, trying to find the courage to go inside. Now, they can access virtual gay community online
from the safety of their homes. And it's not just emotional safety; gay bars can be magnets for gay bashers. There is also the risk of being "outed" at a gay bar.
It's not just anonymity, but also privacy that men can preserve as they explore their feelings about their queer attractions in virtual reality. Gay youth are using
the Internet to explore gay culture and community even if they don't have access to gay community where they live. They join chat rooms for GLBT youth and
find online support groups, which greatly mitigates their feelings of isolation. A decade ago, the Gay and Lesbian Hotline was the main lifeline for these young
people. Now, they can go to the library or log on at home and find moral support, answers to questions and social affirmation.
The Internet is a relatively new venue for finding sex partners, but it has quickly become one of the most popular. Over the course of the past 15 years, there has
been a massive proliferation of online profiles. Researchers in the United Kingdom found that use of the Internet by gay men doubled between 1999 and 2001,
and that in 2001, the Internet was the second most popular venue where men with a new partner had met in the previous year (Weatherburn et al, 2003). From
my observations, it is the single biggest development of the sexual revolution since the birth control pill freed women from having to worry about becoming
pregnant.
Michael Ross, a professor of public health at the University of Texas, Houston, conducted research on the prevalence of using the Internet for sexual purposes,
and in 2002 he estimated that in the U.S., the Internet is used most often for sexual purposes. He provides the following statistics regarding Internet use by
people who visit sites specifically targeting gay men: "On any given weekday afternoon, there are approximately 10,000 people signed into sexual chat rooms on
gay.com. The number participating during the evening hours and weekends is much higher." And Ross was only citing numbers from one popular gay cyber
cruising site. When all the other gay-specific web sites that gay men visit are considered (i.e. gaydar.com, manhunt.com, etc), the number rises exponentially. On
top of that, all the major Internet service providers (AOL, MSN, etc.) have gay-specific chat rooms where men seek social, romantic and sexual relationships.
Almost a decade ago, as researchers started to look at this phenomenon among all groups, not just men seeking to have sex with men, researchers
Al Cooper and Eric Griffin-Shelley identified the three most prevalent factors driving sexual contact on the Internet: accessibility, affordability and anonymity.
Other researchers suggest that there are two additional factors for gay men: acceptability and approximation. Acceptability refers to the Internet being an
acceptable way gay men meet one another and either hook up or date, and approximation refers to a dynamic important to men seeking to have sex with other
men and who are unsure of their sexual identity or who may not yet have come out even to themselves. The Internet allows them a safe way to experiment with
their sexual identity by approximating being gay either through fictitious selves or by having virtual sex on the Internet. Psychologically, it may feel vastly safer
for a man who is in a stage of pre-gay identity formation to test the waters by chatting online with men --either to homosocialize or to arrange a sexual liaison.
Perhaps not surprisingly then, a San Francisco study published in 2001 found that gay men were more likely than heterosexual men or women to use the Internet
to meet sexual partners (Kim et al, 2001).
As more and more of my clients started to come in and talk about men they "met" online, I began to notice that there are also down sides to the immediacy of
cruising the Internet. Although some men made more of a connection than simply answering an ad for "hung, horny and available tonight," many of my clients
were not experiencing any actual, as opposed to virtual, erotic flirtation preceding their first (and usually only) encounter with someone met online. I was struck
by the absence of romance, and by the fact that some of my clients were reporting satisfying sex lives, but feelings of social isolation and lack of self-confidence.
In fact, some felt even less confident about dating and having to carry on a face to face conversation with an interesting man. Face-to-face conversation and
interactions help us develop requisite social skills, yet a short blurb and photo on the Internet is often enough to get men in bed together. From what my clients
were describing, there wasn't much conversation or connection beyond the sexual encounter. What was also interesting was that my clients were reporting this
not as problematic, but as confusing. Because parts of gay male culture have so strongly valued sex over emotional intimacy, my clients didn't have language to
express why, despite all the great sex they were having, they were often unsatisfied in the emotional realm of their lives.
The generation of gay men growing up online is not learning how to tolerate a level of social anxiety and discomfort that was a normal part of flirting for eons of
human interaction. "Is he interested? Is he looking at me? Should I walk over and smile?" Sure, it can be uncomfortable and self-conscious, but taking risks and
putting oneself on the line builds a kind of emotional muscle. Even the experience of rejection can be a good thing. It can teach us to be humble, to be kind to
others when we are the ones not interested in another's advances. Flirtation is a wonderful part of erotic life. But these days, you post your picture, someone sees
it and wants to have sex with your body. Obviously, there is virtual flirtation going on, but it does not seem to be as multidimensional as flirting in person. Body
language, facial expressions, coyly appraising glances, subtle touches --a whole dance goes on between two people who are interested in each other. It is
enormously rich. Call me old-fashioned, but there used to be some delicious mystery. The hunt, the conquest - sometimes, the defeat - were exciting and charged
with fun. There is a whole level of primal animal interaction, the social animal, that is lost. Consider how we had to learn to read subtle body cues, from smiles,
to studied nonchalance, to a well-timed wink. You can flirt with words in an instant message, but the rest of the senses - sight, smell, sound, perhaps touch --are
lost in the hard wires of the computer chaperone.
I know that in the very instant you read this sentence, millions of people are sitting at home in front of their computers looking for sex, talking online to strangers
and perhaps even sharing some of their secret thoughts. They are thinking, "This is real intimacy!" I've had clients come into sessions breathless with excitement.
"I think I'm in love with him!" I scoot my chair closer and ask encouragingly, "So, tell me about him! How did you meet?" only to discover they have e-mailed
twice and shared that they both are bears who like bears and are available to hook up. "But I can tell from his e-mails that he's the one I've been waiting for!"
I coach my clients to do more than just hook up. You met online? Fine. First, at least speak on the phone prior to making a date, if you're seeking more than just
a sexual hook-up. Make a date. Go out for coffee and agree not to have sex right away. Go for a walk in the park. Go to the museum. Flirt. Kiss a little. See if
you like this person before you shag him. If you want to date him, assess if he is genuinely curious about you or only curious about how you are in bed. Does he
hold your interest? Are things happening in the conversation that are allowing a beginning level of trust to develop? I am convinced that some gay men are
confused about what they want. They say they want hot sex, but even when they get hot sex, they complain that something is missing in their lives. I respectfully
suggest that most gay men are interested not just in hot sex, but in passionate, intimate, heart exploding love. That's much, much harder to find in the loneliness
and privacy and anonymity and safety of the computer connection.
There are a few basic steps of relationship-building that we learn from observation and trial-and-error, and these skills are at risk of being lost when you sit at
your computer and try to find a partner. Okay, you are sitting at your computer, he's across town on his computer, and you're flinging e-mails back and forth rife
with the words, "hot," "want it now," etc. etc. But chances are you're each chatting with two other men, and none of them are getting your undivided attention,
and you're not getting anyone else's undivided attention. Compare that to getting dressed up to go out: the anticipation of the grooming stage, the selection of
outfit that best shows off your attributes while expressing your unique personal style. Then, choice of venue --someplace where you are likely to meet men who
interest you, and where you are most likely to be of interest to other men. This early stage is all about possibility, about enjoying and tolerating uncertainty.
Uncertainty can be exquisite, a kind of pleasurable pain.
You arrive at the club, maybe you're meeting up with some friends, and you check out the crowd. Someone immediately catches your eye but he's dancing and
hasn't seen you yet. You begin the ritual to discover if he is available and interested by maneuvering closer to him and sending fullbodied, mindful playfulness.
This means body language that says, "I think you're hot, but I'm not desperate." No words are exchanged. Possibly, no looks, either. It's all about the body cues.
There is risk here, and potential gain. One risk is his immediate feedback, his body language, facial expressions, "vibe" all say, "Not interested." Or even, 'This is
my boyfriend I'm dancing with. Isn't he fabulous?" The potential gain: he turns and dances closer, leans over and says, "Great shirt!" From a Zen perspective,
discomfort is an essential aspect of growth. We don't have to pretend to love it, but by accepting and embracing it, we allow ourselves more opportunities to
grow in a variety of ways.
I am unequivocally positive about many aspects of the Internet. For instance, you can save a bundle on airline tickets if you surf around. I like the convenience of
checking on my bank accounts, paying bills and ordering books while lounging around in my slippers. I also am grateful for online support groups. I checked
recently, and the only online gay widower support group comes out of Melbourne, Australia, and people from around the world are part of the discussion. It's
truly wonderful.
The Internet is not only used for sex. Queer people around the world have been using it as a tool for social activism, generating petitions and email campaigns to
protest laws banning same-sex marriage or to urge politicians to overturn homophobic immigration laws. One inspiring example of the power of the Internet for
social change occurred last year, when one lesbian with a computer in Africa got the word out that her country's government was not allowing a publisher of
queer books to bring those books to an international book fair. LGBT rights groups around the world inundated the government with e-mails protesting this
discrimination, putting significant pressure on the leader to back down and dogged him with protests from London to Johannesburg. Ah, the power of one lone
activist dyke with a computer.
While it's inspiring to see how much gay community one can find online, from news on legislation to advice on how to bypass heterosexist laws to adopt
children, I worry that it is lulling us into a false sense of s a f e t y. Are we forgetting about the realities of homophobia while we sit at home forwarding petitions
or talking dirty with someone? The point is, we are at home. We aren't out on the street carrying signs or running the risk of getting gay bashed outside a bar, or
hearing someone yell "Faggot" when we walk home hand-in-hand with a lover. When we do trade our slippers for real shoes and go out into the gay world, we
notice it has been shrinking in recent years. New York used to have three gay bookstores, which were reliable places for good flirting. Now, we're down to one.
Where is everybody? At home, on line, ordering queer books from A m a z o n . c o m .
It used to be that going to a gay bar meant being in the thick of gay community, gay culture and gay activism. There would be fliers up. There might be a
fundraiser for the local LGBT community center, there might be some political conversation. At what point do we decide that it's not in our individual,
communal or societal best interest to hide from the ugly realities that affect us as queer citizens of a homophobic country?.
The more we withdraw and become distracted by the seductiveness and safety of the online gay sex culture, the fewer there are of us who are on the front lines
to fight the good fight. Recently, organizers planned a youth conference in Seattle to address LGBT suicide. An anti-gay government official said the organizers
had to change the title to delete the words "Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender." The Bush administration is trying to erase all traces of LGBT people. They
would love to force us back into the closet. And in some way, staying in our own safe, virtual realities, perhaps we're putting ourselves back there. We are not
coming out. We are not everywhere. This is politically and psychologically dangerous. Will fewer and fewer queer people feel it's necessary to come out if they
can safely cruise for sex while living heterosexual-seeming lives? Visible queer social spaces are becoming more invisible, but we're doing it to ourselves.
I recently finished writing a book on barebacking - gay men deliberately choosing to have unsafe sex. I learned more than you probably want to know about how
the Internet has become a main source of hook-ups for barebackers. It leads me to urge men who cruise on line to do two things: First, be honest. Post recent
photos of yourself and write accurate profiles, always including your HIV status. This is especially vital if you are positive. HIV infection is on the rise, and it's
up to each one of us to end the epidemic in our community.
Second, I urge you to be kind. I have heard a lot of stories of men exchanging photos and then the other guy disappears from the Instant Messaging with no
word. That kind of rejection is brutal. Try to be polite. Put yourself in the other person's shoes and be nice. Don't use the anonymity of the Internet as an excuse
to be unkind. Let's treat it like a real community even if it's virtual.
Whatever happens in the next 10 years, I think we would be well-advised to follow some old-time advice: treat others the way you would like to be treated.
Although every religion has this woven into its philosophy, human beings have an abysmal history of treating others rather poorly. My wish is that LGBT people
will set a good example for the rest of humanity.
Cooper, A. & Griffin-Shelley, E. (2002). Introduction. The Internet: The next sexual revolution. In A. Cooper (ed). Sex & The Internet: A Guide for Clinicians.
New York: Brunner- Routledge, 1-15.
Kim, A., Kent, C., & McFarland, W. (2001). Cruising on the Internet highway. Journal of Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndromes, 28, 89-93.
Ross, M. (2002). The Internet as a medium for HIV prevention and counseling. FOCUS: A Guide to AIDS Research and Counseling, 17, 4-6.
Weatherburn, P., Hickson, F. Reid, D (2003). Net benefits: Gay men's use of the Internet and other settings where HIV prevention occurs. Sigma Research,
London. Retrieved off the Internet http://www.sigmaresearch.org.uk/downloads/report03b.
Key Words: Gay Men, Internet, Cyber Dating, Virtual dating